I began writing this on the 27th of March, 2023.
I was born in 1994 in a small city in Tasmania, Australia called Hobart. When I was young, my parents took my brothers and me on holidays all over the world, including caravanning and skiing trips in Australia. I was very athletic, competing in soccer (which I played almost every lunchtime at school), water polo, tennis, athletics, underwater hockey (yes that’s a real sport, look it up), and many more. During my summer/Christmas holidays, my family would spend time at our shack on Bruny Island, I hold those memories most preciously and often dream of being there. And whilst I enjoyed these moments in my childhood, I often daydreamed of venturing into a fantasy world, and at ten years old, I found a game that would let me do that called World of Warcraft.
But my parents were very disapproving and restrictive towards my desire to play computer games, which caused a lot of frustration for me over the years. It’s a bizarre situation, being with your family in the beauty of the Canal Du Midi in the south of France on a luxurious boat but intensely wishing you were playing World of Warcraft like your classmates; especially when you’re made fun of for being rich/privileged.
I have many interests and hobbies, but I love music and stories more than anything. I love gaming, art, socializing, cats and dogs, bushwalking, comedy, writing, snowboarding, playing sports, bread, cheese, craft beer, and swimming in the ocean. I’m interested in sociology, philosophy, psychology/psychoanalysis, linguistics, pedagogy, game design, geography, and cinematography.
But I feel partially guilty writing some of these, as most of them are deceitful reflections, true as a label of interest but not accurate representations of how I distribute my engagement/time. For example, I want to read and write more, but my motivation is eclipsed by a default reaction to avoid any anxieties that shoot through me when faced with a new task. So I follow avoid these anxieties and resort to excessive gaming, regressing to a state of adolescents where I could finally play games whenever I wanted.
Hence ‘The Dopafiend’, in place of searching for myself, working for my own income and professional identity, I have indulged in the luxuries of life. Mostly through this convenience of temporarily abandoning reality to stimulate my consciousness through games and drugs. If you met me you’d see and hear a seemingly regular person, but what you won’t see, is that while you’ve been at work, I’ve spent my privilege of ‘not needing’ to work to pleasure myself. I became a sybarite, an incarnation of procrastination, avoiding any spark of personal responsibility that may surface into consciousness.
And unfortunately, I had become very good at avoiding my anxieties and responsibilities, though I guess many people live their whole lives avoiding them. Often after a day of entertaining myself, I would feel guilty and try to earn the day back. I would listen to music, clean the house, exercise, and spend time with my long-term partner. She was rarely critical of my actions as she felt troubled by maternal feelings during any interventions, so she let me do what I want, which of course I liked. I had created a womb for myself, where I cycled entertainment through an assortment of pleasures that wove a sufficiently deceitful veil; a superficial fulfilment.
But of all my subconscious self-contaminations, it’s my love and spiritual reliance of my partner that I’ve recently discovered as being the tree that withholds the nest I’ve remained in. It mattered less that I wasn’t following my dreams, because I was so happy with this girl who loved me for who I was, and I loved her so much for it. But the tree is creaking, and if it were to fall, I would have to spread these weak wings and fly frantically back into the jungle. Back into an environment where these wings were desirable. . . Eight years ago, when my kindness, ambition and character were enough. . . Now, the nest’s decadence has impaired these wings to anyone that looks closely and they can see the sybarite that I am.
But I’m doing many things that I believe will benefit my future, I’m gradually playing less computer games, I go to the gym 3-4 times a week, I have a more strict and structured domestic routine, including meditating in a cold plunge most nights, which I find very therapeutic. I’m studying a Master of Secondary Teaching, specializing in media and humanities with a game design undergraduate. And although I enjoy it, I would prefer to write stories or make music as a living. But finding success in those areas is not secure, nor realistic given my current level of skill and time spent practising it, I feel as if I cannot afford to risk abandoning a stable path after such a long time mucking about; the time for such a dedicated pursuit was when I was gaming. So I’m trying to spend less time on social media, YouTube, and games, and more time doing activities that develop myself, particularly writing.
I work casually in a bar at a brewery about once or twice a week with a bunch of twenty-year-olds in their first job, hoping I find a job as a teacher’s aide soon. Many of my life’s expenses are still paid for by my parents, something I’ve let myself be groomed into, and I feel now more than ever that I owe it to them, myself, and the world to spend this privilege finding and exercising a fulfilling path. But it’s hard when I’ve spent so much of my life conditioning myself to escape the anxieties of motivation and soothe myself with pleasures instead. But I’m ploughing on, battling my anxieties and bad habits that I’ve let fester deep within me, hoping that through practice I can rehabilitate my degeneracy.
Though progress has been slow, it is not late March anymore. It’s the 14th of June. The tree has collapsed, and I realize that tailoring my wings for attraction should not be the objective, it should become a product of the objective. Much like how my shame is secondary to time spent poorly, misused time is its own punishment just as excellence is its own reward. So Instead, I need wings built for the strength needed to find and pursue the right habitat to reside.
14th of June, 2023.
